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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kristi's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 25th, 2010
11:32 pm
when the blind are made to see
There was once a time when I called this journal the "I should be sleeping" journal. I was always on here late at night, when the rest of the world was asleep. It's when I like to purge my thoughts. Like now, I have to get up for school in a few hours.

I am doing much better than I was. It seems like I had a heavy burden on me, like a cloud that has now been lifted. There was so much loss. I wanted to fill it up with something. Now I realize that letting go is all that was needed. Sometimes that is easier said than done. My fists are unclenched. I don't feel defeated. There is no self pity or blame anymore. What is left now is a blank slate. I clean new start, and I can create whatever I want now. All I have to do is be ready for whatever I choose to do.

There are things that are missing from my life and rather than just to replace them, I am going to discover new things. I just need to open my eyes and be honest with myself. Transition has always been rocky at first for me. It feels like my foundation has been torn away and I am scrambling for solid footing, then suddenly I realize that it is safe to just float until I find a perch that feels comfortable. I'm floating now.

I took inventory of my life curently, and really? I have so many things going for me right now. I do have a solid foundation. I have some pretty spectacular friends who make me laugh and give me great happiness just knowing that they exist. I have an incredible son who is just awesome to have around. He is smart and clever and creative and gives me more purpose and meaning in one day than the rest of my life put together. I have a constant flow of love around me all the time. School is going better than I could have ever imagined. I am following my dream, I am doing something that I have wanted to do since I was a very little girl. One day soon, I will be making an impact on people using art for money, for a career. I could do that every minute of every day for the rest of my life and never get enough of it. I have a lot going for me. I have the freedome to create myself. I have the passion and the strength to shape my life into whatever I want it to be. I have already done that and it's pretty exciting to know that I can keep doing it.

Sure, I have lost some people that I loved very deeply. Jon, Andy, My Dad, even Larry. Sure, it cut deep and hurt hard. Sure, I have been irrational and emotional. But, has it made my life worse? No way. I miss them all. I think of them and would rather them be a part of my life, but I am still in a beautiful place. I am growing, I am learning. I really do feel that I am becoming the person I want to be. It's an ongoing process, with bumps and hardships along the way.

I think that it is time to forgive and be gentler with myself. The reason for the irrational pain is allowing myself to feel rejected, left behind, beaten and guilty. These are my feelings. I am responsible for them. No one has made me feel this way and no one could ever deliver my happiness on a platter, even if they wanted to. I have to find my own joy, my own love. I have to remember who I am.

Today I opened my eyes and saw the world as if it was new to me. When the blind are made to see it is overwhelming and startlingly beautiful. Without this pain, I would never know such a tremendous relief. I am grateful. I am home again. Everything is going to be alright.

Current Mood: relieved

(1 spanking | spank my monkey)

Saturday, February 20th, 2010
6:57 pm
Love Ridden (damnit, Fiona)
Have you ever noticed that when you are sad or heartbroken, every song that comes on the radio reminds you of your tragedy? You see happy couples everywhere? I am not sure if these things happen as a reminder to feel things and allow ourselves to heal or if we choose only to see what we want to see, but damn, I'm getting a lot of little reminders of my mistakes and I feel like I have lost my integrity.

I feel like I am being ridiculous. I am not myself, I am lost and swimming upstream trying to get my strength back. I am supposed to have my head up high. I am supposed to be leaving silly little stickers on people's cars. I'm supposed to be the passionate one that makes other people feel happy. I am supposed to make my own self happy.

A friend of mine asked me what was so amazing about this guy that made me get so messed up about it. I told him so many reasons. I told him about all of the breathtaking moments. I told him about adventures and, well...about love. But that's not why I am messed up. The heart stopping moments that I felt is what makes me glad I experienced it. I am messed up because I do not deal with loss very well. I cannot handle change gracefully. I am so incredibly disappointed, and I realized that I took it far more personally than I should have. My fault is that I look to love to be my center. Loving someone else and being loved in turn gives me self worth and when it leaves, I feel worthless. I wanted him to need me. I know that I've got it all wrong. I know that I will never be able to stay in a relationship with this outlook. I have some growing to do.

I am messed up right now because I gave up my power. I feel like an abandoned child. I feel like I am unwanted and not cared for. I was rejected. The solution for this is to learn how to nurture myself and not to look to others to pick me up. Does anyone know how to truly do that? I think this is just one of those things that time will heal. I need to be outspoken about it. I need to talk about it, to feel it, to be ridiculous for a while. We've all been there, but if I internalize it, It will consume me. I've done that before, stayed strong and responsible and the stuffed down pain just manifested later on in a worse way.

I know that I am loved. I know that I am a good person. I know that this is just one day of many and that I am going to be ok. I know that I will love again (and get better at it). I am willing to try, I am willing to grow. It just hurts so much right now.

Everything is going exactly the way it should. I am learning. I just feel a little foolish and somewhat embarrassed by the whole thing.

Current Mood: lonely

(2 spankings | spank my monkey)

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
11:03 pm
The Lock Down
I have just made most of my journal friends only. If you see that there is nothing but crap, pointless memes and sentimental posts with nothing incriminating in them, Well then, you're not in the club.

The interesting stuff from the past 3 years is locked out from the public as of today.

Current Mood: paranoid

(34 spankings | spank my monkey)

Sunday, December 9th, 2007
4:53 pm
Amazon Wish List as requested
Some of my friends requested that I post this.

I do not require anyone to buy gifts for me, but if you would like to, here's my Amazon Wish List:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3SWP2ORXJC3EM

I updated it today for the first time in 4+ years. there are a bunch of things on there from 2003, they are all Goth. I found it amusing so I left them on there (take a look so you can laugh at me).

It views in the order that I posted it, so it shows 'stuff', then movies, then books, then Cds. and it was all off the top of my head because I wasn't planning on updating it or posting it. Have fun storming the castle!

Current Mood: Innocent

(1 spanking | spank my monkey)

Saturday, December 8th, 2007
12:32 am
The Name game- A Pointless yet satisfying time waster meme by Onekr.
1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Twinkle Toes Honda

2. Your gangsta name (fave ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Cinnamon Mary Jane

3. Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Electric Blue Spider

4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Dawn Augusta

5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Onekr

6. Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Grey Chai

7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): David Billy

8. Stripper name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Egyptian Musk Ferrero Rocher

10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Blasingame Baltimore

11. Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Halloween Orchid

12. Cartoon name: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Tangerine Hoodie

13. Hippie name (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Cupcake Willow


I think I'd like to be called Cinnamon Mary Jane. Yum.

Current Mood: Lame

(7 spankings | spank my monkey)

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
11:08 pm
An Artist's eye
"I want to explore the textures of your imagination"

was written in a note along with a blank handmade sketchbook. I filled the pages with poetry and Art and sent it back to him. He believed that I should be inspired to create. That line that he wrote stuck with me, It's been 11 years now.

When I look at a person, I see things like the curve of a neck or the segments in the eyes. I once looked into a person's eyes and they looked like little sparkling planets with craters and random splashes of green and blue. Things like that stick in my mind for life, I don't remember what his name was, but I could draw him right now.

I can get close to a person without touching them or even speaking to them by drawing them. There's something about tracing the exact shape of someone's face and carefully shading in the details that's so damned personal. I absolutely crave it and without discretion.

When I bring a page to life, I feel that aliveness. I feel that aliveness when I make anything. Every piece of art I have ever made burned passion out of my fingertips. Every stitch and sculpture held the secret of a muse that gave me purpose.

I once made a sculpture of myself. It was nude but not vulnerable. It had no face. Only my curly hair and tiny painted-on tattoo gave it away. In it's outstretched hand was a golden star that it was looking at. I made it for a boy that gave me hope that I could begin again. I could not describe to him what I wanted to say. I could not express to him the history that brought me to him. So I made the sculpture and when I gave it to him I whispered: "This is how you make me feel."

I hand write letters instead of sending emails, often in different colors with little sketches on them. I hand make most of my cards, I make gifts as often as I possibly can and I don't do it just because I have talent. I don't do it for recognition. I don't do it to be different. I don't do it to make you cry. (although none of these things are completely untrue).

It just comes out that way. It's how I communicate. I am an Artist. You can be heavy set or awkward or deformed and I will pull beauty out of you. I see things differently. I have an Artist's eye. I will make you eternal and hang you on my wall.

Current Mood: touched

(8 spankings | spank my monkey)

Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
8:19 pm
A nearly enlightening Chrismas Experience
On my way to work this morning I mumbled in my head "Give me a sign about what today holds". Have you ever done that? Looked for clues to answer questions or turned on the radio for a song that will help you out in some way? Well, a moment later I rounded the corner of the ramp leading onto 14th street and there stood A Santa Claus on his cell phone and Jesus smoking a cigarette. Santa seemed to be enjoying himself, and Jesus' was fiddling with the crown of thorns that were tugging at his giant buffont shiny jesus wig.

What in the hell does it mean??!

Current Mood: amused

(10 spankings | spank my monkey)

Sunday, November 25th, 2007
10:22 pm
Nightmare before Christmas goodies
Well, The only reason for my stress lately is money. Child support hasn't come through and I haven't been grocery shopping in 2 months. I am falling behind on many things and it's time to pull myself out. So, I have been looking for ways to fix my predicament. Admittedly, I should have gotten a new job some time ago, but you live and learn. I am going to sell some of my Nightmare before Christmas collectibles. I have decided to try to sell them locally first (faster).

If you are a Nightmare fan, these are absolutely a must-have. They are rare and very well researched as far as price. If you know someone who loves The Nightmare before Christmas or Tim Burton, these are the ultimate gifts.

take a peek at my prized possesionsCollapse )

If you are interested or would like more information on these items, Please respond to this post with your email address so I can send you my phone number or email me directly at sylkweb@yahoo.com. If you know someone who might be interested, please send them my way.

Current Mood: hopeful

(4 spankings | spank my monkey)

9:21 pm
Christmas in the Stars
Today I put the Christmas tree together. As I am wrapping garland around the tree, the sounds of C3P0 singing Christmas songs, specifically "We must give a cookie to the Wookie" softly fill the air through my speakers. I hung my head in shame and came to the inevitable conclusion that I am an official geek now.

My inner geek wants thisCollapse )

I swear this is all Mica's fault! He made me this way! *cries*

Current Mood: geeky

(6 spankings | spank my monkey)

7:07 pm

(16 spankings | spank my monkey)

7:03 pm
Bang Bang!
Oh yeah baby, I'm a cowgirl.




ladydagger2evil is a genius. This picture was taken 2 years ago at a caribou coffee. You could never tell that I was as sick as a dog and ready to go unconcious. I couldn't even drink Chai! *gasp* That is how awesome of a photographer she is. Rawk.

This is the very first picture I have EVER posted on a Livejournal entry. I am actually testing it out so that I can sell my nightmare stuff. (learning to post pics)

Current Mood: impressed

(6 spankings | spank my monkey)

Saturday, November 24th, 2007
8:25 pm
Dear Santa...
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In May I broke aggression's X-Box (-12 points). In June I bought porn for pagan_phoenix (10 points). Last month I invaded Iraq, broke it, and couldn't glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points). In September I pulled over and changed lafemmedesfemme's flat tire (15 points). In October on a flight to Colorado Springs, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-1039 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!

Sincerely,
sylkweb

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:


Current Mood: giggly

(8 spankings | spank my monkey)

Monday, November 19th, 2007
9:50 am
Forever 58
Dear Dad,

This is the first time in my life that I've forgotten your birthday. I am sorry. When I realized it, my stomach clenched and I felt a sorrow for letting you slip away. I remember being the one to insist on doing something for you. Every year you would say the same thing "It's just another day, I don't need nuthin'." But I would come in singing and bearing gifts anyway. You pretended to be modest and humble but I could see the sparkle in your eye. It was a routine we got used to year after year. I would bring sentimentals and little necessities and then drag you out to dinner. You looked forward to it. I caught you smiling from time to time. Saying it was worth it was an understatement. I was always looking for ways to make you smile.

It's strange how the tiniest of things bring a flood of memories. Today I was reminded of you. I haven't bought a 2 liter of soda in many many years. I ended up with a bottle of coke in my fridge, leftover from a trip (We used it for Whiskey). I took it out for a glass this morning, I instinctively wanted to pour one for you. My apartment turned into your house, so much so that I expected to see you on my couch.

I took your driver's license out of my purse and looked at the birthdate, To see how old you are, but then I realized that you will be 58 forever.

There is no replacement for the hole in my heart. Nobody or nothing to take that place. Happy Holidays, I wish you were here. I love you.

Current Mood: crushed

(2 spankings | spank my monkey)

Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
9:19 pm
I'm open minded? DUH!
You Are 100% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out!
Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand.
You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting.
You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.


Current Mood: bouncy

(spank my monkey)

Monday, October 29th, 2007
12:13 am
Halloween Props
For Halloween, I will be dressing up in 3 different costumes. For the Art show, I was a witch. On Halloween afternoon, I'm dressing up as an Evil Queen at Mica's school. For Trick or Treating, I will be a sexay Gangster.

I am missing a couple of things for my costumes. If anyone has these items to borrow, let me know! I would be eternally grateful:

A Tiara or Crown
A Toy Machine, Uzi or Tommy Gun
A Gun Holster

I figured Beta might have a holster. Pretty please? :D

Current Mood: hopeful

(5 spankings | spank my monkey)

Thursday, October 11th, 2007
10:25 pm
My head is hung in shame.
Please forgive me...

He is a drama queen...His boobs jiggle when he hops...and he has the need to appear as a badass to his peers...but I have got to admit...

Technoviking is hot.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, take a closer look at your friends page, or mine.

Current Mood: dorky

(5 spankings | spank my monkey)

12:39 am
Yo' Mama!
One of the coolest perks about being a Mom?
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up, have breakfast in the school cafeteria with Mica, walk him to class, listen to the morning anouncements and then...

I am going to read Halloween books to the class in my Halloween pajamas wearing a jack skellington stuffed toy (The kind that has long arms with velcro), specifically, a Nighmare before Christmas storybook and Boris and Bella. After that, I am going to stamp everybody's hand with assorted NMBXmas stamps, Next I am going to pass out Cinnamon Apple spice cupcakes to everyone (Mica made them tonight). Then? I am doing arts and crafts with them. And that's how my morning will be until 8:30am. How do you wake up in the morning? :)

I'm the coolest Mom in the world. You wish I was your Mommy.

Current Mood: cheerful

(19 spankings | spank my monkey)

Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
7:19 pm
The letter L
I was given The Letter "L"
Post a comment and I'll give you a letter. Name ten of your favorite songs that start with that letter, then repost this in your journal.

1. Lie to me: Depeche Mode
2. Lullaby: The Cure
3. Lounge Act: Nirvana
4. Lozenge of love: Radiohead
5. Love Ridden: Fiona Apple
6. Legacy of hate and Lust: Leatherstrip
7. Lateralus: Tool
8. The Letter: Natalie Merchant
9. Little Earthquakes: Tori Amos
10. Let's go crazy: Prince & the Revolution

That was exciting (and took me an hour)!

Extra credit if you can guess which one of these is a cheated answer WITHOUT checking the internet. :)

Current Mood: bouncy

(14 spankings | spank my monkey)

Friday, September 21st, 2007
11:27 pm
What Do You Have To Say? - Music: My First Favorite Band
What was the first band you became a fan of?
The first was Madonna when I was 7. But I have to add an honorable mention, at 10 I became a huge Motley Crue Fan and was obsessed with headbanger's ball.

Current Mood: silly

(2 spankings | spank my monkey)

Thursday, September 20th, 2007
8:11 pm
How could I forget the 4th?
Love at first sight. I never really believed in that. I have a need to analyze a person before I can allow myself to get wrapped up in love. Sometimes I can barely recognize it, but let me tell you, when he walked in the room I needed to be near him. He exuded this presence that I could have seen while blindfolded. It was as if I had known him my whole life. He was like a lost and found desire.

It was like that when we dated. He was like a spiritual soul mate. We could stare at eachother and silently communicate. I could talk in my flighty gibberish and he knew just what I meant, he could feel my feelings, he could finish my sentences. He was like a dream.

He once told me that he was exactly what everyone wanted. He told me that he molded like putty to each person he knew, for this reason, I never met his other groups of friends, He was afraid that he would have a hard time 'being' if he combined tribes. We divided as partners and developed something a little more loose, no rules, no expectations and we went on like that for a year. We were young and both afraid of commitment at the time. It was surreal being with him. He didn't know who he was, so he became what he thought people needed. I never really knew if I was different than anyone else he spent time with, maybe meant more, but it didn't really matter, It was like being in Sarah's Laryrinth bubble, dancing in a masquerade with David Bowie, and then coming back to real life when the song ended. It was lovely.

After I got pregnant, we strayed away from eachother. About a year after Mica was born, we reconnected. He and I have been enjoying visits back and forth ever since, I see him once or twice a year. It's still a delight to talk with him about anything, our bond never seemed to lessen. He is the only friend I have that I can comfortably lay in his lap or spoon with no worry of drama. Affection was never an issue, and it was nice.

Our end is another story, and although he is gone for good in many more ways than one, He will always be the most beautiful spirit I have ever met, The only one who could ever convince me that love isn't learned, it's just there looking right at you. That love at first sight is easier than we give it credit and that a boy can naturally smell like sandwiches.

Current Mood: satisfied

(spank my monkey)

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